Who have I become?

Sitting here today and reflecting on things I couldn't help but finally give in to the nagging thought in my brain that something is off lately. It's me. I'm off. I feel that I have let go so many things that are important to me. Whether it be due to outside pressure or the fact that I'm busy, I honestly feel that I have lost a part of me. 

I am more than happy to be homeschooling my kids. But starting with a stressful situation last year, I have spiraled into someone that does not have the control I once did. My fuse is far too short, I've gained 30 lbs, I'm eating poultry when I swore I would never eat meat again, and I don't take the care I once did when it comes to many things. I never read for me any more. It's a rare day when I find time to craft, and the importance of not allowing my children to become addicted to sugar and additives is out the window. We ate at MCDONALDS today. 

What happened to me last year and why can't I get me back? 

I can do better than that...but no one cares

Sometimes I am truly upset about being in the field I'm in. I craft items and sell them online and at a few local shows. I have scaled down the amount of shows in the past few years and really don't show up to many. It's a lot of work and I don't have a lot of help to set things up because my husband usually has to work. 

However, after touring a large local show today I am just truly frustrated with this business. I make hair bows, tutus, headbands, etc. and while it doesn't seem awesome like some of those recycled metal sculptures and such, it keeps me busy and is actually a lot of work. I spend (or at least did spend when I was really going at it) many hours with my sewing machine, locked up in my craft room at 2 in the morning, imaging the happy little girl that gets to twirl around in my tutus feeling like a princess. Or the family pictures that look just so with my headband adorning the family's three little girls. It seems silly, and it is, but I find that I just get so frustrated when I go out into the world and see what my competition has to offer. 

After doing this for four years, I have a pretty good line on suppliers and such and I have found that increasingly over the years they have started to offer more and more pre made items. Stuff made in China, cheaply, all sold ready-made so that your lazy ass can buy it and peddle it off as something you made at a show. Or, if you want to have a conscience, you can buy pre made bows and use a hot glue gun to glue it to your pre lined clips, and at least you had to break out the glue gun. And here I am, folding all my ribbons, lining my clips myself, clipping, sewing, heat sealing, with a certain standard. No gloppy glues poking out everywhere. No fraying ribbons, no wonky clips that would never stay in even the thickest hair, etc. And yet, no one seems to care. No one does. When a booth lines up their walls and bins with crap that took them seconds to make (or just a quick order to the online supplier), and people are eating it up, it frustrates me. I wish there were some integrity. I mean in a all handmade, juried show to make one or two of your items and to buy the rest is just frustrating to me. 

Yep, I'm ranting, and who am I to criticize? If I'm so upset why don't I just do the same? I have to say many times I think I should just quit and do the same. What difference does it make? But for some reason I can't. I just can't bring myself to do it. Good luck to them because I know they are kicking my ass in sales. They make much more than me because for some reason the China-made items are cheaper ready-made than what I can even buy my ribbons for. And there is no labor time involved. Whatever, I'm in this for me, right?

Updates on things

It's been a bit since the last blog and so I figured I'd write and update. I'm still composing on my phone which is not the easiest or fastest media to use. However, being as my only time alone consists of a hot bath in the wee hours of the night, this will have to do. 

The kids and I are getting along nicely with our honeschool. I am finding that the curriculum, save for our typing program, that I have chosen are working out nicely. I am just so darn proud of these kids. I can't imagine all that I'd be missing if I hadn't chosen to take this route in our lives. 

B, who previously had a great disdain for reading, is finding a great love in literature. He is getting along nicely reading books and while I don't push it, I'm so glad to see him plowing through three letter words. I'm proud to see that he's proud of his accomplishments. We have been driving an hour and a half, one way, to bring Z to gymnastics once a week and on the drive have been listening to audio books. I find it so amazing what B comprehends, even as he's making noise and playing, he knows exactly what is going on. He adores these car rides and says he can't wait for Tuesdays. 

Z is moving along nicely also. She is writing letters, adding simple numbers, and learning letter sounds. I rejoice in this as I was incredibly worried about her academically. She has never seemed to have the passion and drive for learning that her brother has. And yet, here she is, doing her required work and trying hard to find joy in it. I have yet to find her true interest and spark her undivided attention. But, after seeing her progress and that we are at least getting through things with no tears or whining leaves me just crazy excited to see what she can do. I mean, this is a girl that I was told probably is "slow".  Meeting Z you'd never think that. She's as sharp as a tack, but she simply is interested in something different and I can't wait to until I crack the code. She does NOT enjoy our audio book car rides. But sits quiet to allow her brother his joys. 

I have probably taken on too much with their extra curricular activities but I figure why not? We have the time and if I start them early they can have the opportunity to drop whatever they don't like in the future. We just finished up soccer, which I like but I was sick of the schedule. My family seems to have issues getting out of the house in the mornings and soccer games were just a burden. However, I have enrolled Z in both gymnastics, as previously stated, and dance. She adores  both but I'm not sure how I'll feel about the three hour round trip drive to gymnastics this winter. B is currently enrolled in the local martial arts academy which is taking up 3 nights a week right now. However he has also expressed interest in gymnastics and so I think I may enroll him as his class would be right before Z's on the same nights. We are hoping to start up swimming lessons, and J & I have been talking about just enrolling the whole family in the martial arts academy. I've opened up my Etsy shop again and am working hard on inventory for my upcoming craft shows. Baseball will start in the spring and we'll see where life takes us. 5 out of 7 nights we are running around like crazy people. Plus J's professional commitments right now are just crazy. So many mornings and afternoons I'm going along with him to meetings. It's crazy how much schooling and running around we fit into a week. 

Our life never seems to slow down, and yet, I love that no two days are ever the same. Even when we have no time we still have much more time then if I had not chosen to start this venture. We start school  at nine and are done anywhere from 1-2. No homework to get done for the night. I wonder if we'll still be going strong a few months from now? 😀