While this happens other days, today was different. If she's flopping the cat's head on the floor, or dumping chocolate milk on the carpet, or purposely tormenting her brother, that's one thing. I don't feel that I can be the type of parent that promises not to yell at my children. Not only is it not in me, but I feel the real world does not consist of people kindly and gently speaking all the time. One day they will get yelled at in their profession. One day they will have a screaming match with a friend or significant other. And so, me screaming at them from time to time, while not pleasant for either of us, isn't going to hurt their psyche for life. Granted, it does not teach them total self control when I'm bellowing, but we are not all perfect.
But today was different. And I can't do it again.
Today Z was working on math. The goal was to draw a line for each item in one box to another box and draw an x for each item. Zahra could not, for the life of her, understand an x. Not at all. We went through it 50 times (no really, I counted and it was over 50). And yet she drew straight horizontal lines from one end of her paper to the other. Over and over and over, until that paper was a matted mess of horizontals and she was at a loss as to what the activity was all about.
So, we started over. With me gently (straining) explaining that we start at the top of our paper, not the middle.
"The top Z. Where do we start?"
"The top!"
A vertical line at least would have been an improvement. She confidently nodded, said "ok" and proceeded to draw a horizontal line starting in the middle of her sheet.
The middle.
All my patience over the past year with her and learning just evaporated away. This is the same child that after two years of having the same garbage cans, one plain and one with HUGE red recycle arrows all over it, still asks me every time she throws something away which is the garbage. Thus, I exploded, "THE TOP Z! THE GD TOP! THE TOP Z!" All while stabbing a pencil angrily at the top of her paper.
She melted and cried, a lot. I apologized, a lot.
But this is learning here. This is something I want her to be excited about because I KNOW she struggles. I KNOW this is hard for her. I can see it. And I took all her fears and made them a reality. I told her that her efforts were not enough. Shame on me. Seriously.
I have a lot to learn and patience is my biggest lesson. Things don't click for her now, but so what? She's only four. Fricken four. What was so important about that x? Why couldn't I have told her since x was hard she could draw a circle or a dot?! SHE'S FOUR! Why didn't I let her use stickers instead? What is the matter with me?
If things end up being difficult for her with school it is my job to help her, not yell and tell her that her efforts are not enough.
We are always in school, the learning does not end just because we graduate. I have a lot of patience to learn. I'm so glad I get another day to practice it.
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